the final countdown
…sort of.
When the doctor told me I'd be in the hospital for 30 or more days, it felt like a prison sentence. A prison sentence for a crime I didn't commit.
I was mentally paralyzed with fear during the first few weeks in the hospital. Fear of the unknown. Fear of my hospital stay becoming longer than initially expected. Fear of complications arising with my treatment. Fear of missing out. Fear of my loved ones being even more mentally paralyzed with worry than I am.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment it happened, but somewhere between July 18th and now, the fear transformed into the fight. I realized just how capable I am of overcoming this cancer. I could feel it changing who I am as a person for the better. Making me stronger. More resilient. Even on the challenging days.
As of today, August 16th, I've been in the hospital for 30 days. I never thought I'd be able to make it this long at the beginning of my journey. Somehow, the 30 days have gone by quickly and slowly simultaneously.
My hospital room, once empty and cold, is now filled with color. Every note and card I've received is taped to my closet door. Books, journals, and coloring books fill the counter space. Chris's Valentine's Day present that once hung on the wall of my apartment now sits directly in front of my bed, never too far from my line of sight. Three suitcases, soon to be refilled with my belongings, line the walls.
Nurses that were once strangers are now humans that have profoundly impacted me. Doctors I once thought I'd never have to meet are now the reason I will get to live.
I have seven more days here until I finally get the chance to live in the house I love with the person I love. After leaving Medical City Dallas, I will have made it through 37 days in the hospital and 35 days of chemotherapy. Getting discharged from the hospital won't be the end of the fight for me, but I'll be able to switch over to outpatient treatment, allowing me the luxury of living at home.
I'd be lying if I said I felt 100% fearless about what lies ahead, but I can confidently say I am significantly less fearful than when this all began. I've learned more about life and how I want to live it than I ever knew possible throughout these last 30 days, and I plan to share every bit of it that I believe could positively impact someone.
More to come.
